This is My Boom Stick!

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Open Letter to Next Teenage Shooter

It's getting old.

I realize you are a sad, depressed, pissed off, dark, tortured asshole kid and that you want to kill yourselve. That's cool. And I realize that you are a vain little prick who wants to make headlines with your suicide. Hey, no one blames you. But would a little originality kill you? No pun intended.

This recent guy, Robert Hawkins (aka The Butt Plug), who got fired from McDonalds - which btw, you gotta be a dumb motherfucker to get fired from McDonalds - and who's girlfriend dumped him (probably cause he worked at McDonalds) has to be one of the lamest of all the suicide kids.

I mean, c'mon. Shooting people and then shooting yourself?!? Fvcking BORING!

Kim Jong-il probably killed 1000 people today. Al Qaeda probably got a few too. And you know some Africans got killed in diamond caves. So, shooting suburban moms is really unimpressive. I.E., you are lame.

So, here's my appeal to all the future unwanted children that grow up to be Butt Plugs:

Please be more creative with your suicide.

And please do this with out taking other people's lives. I mean, that's just rude, uncalled for, and about as unoriginal as sitcoms on the WB.

Let me give you some suggestions for more original ways to die...

1. Saturate a hang glider in gasoline. Ignite the hang glider just before flying to your doom. How fvcking cool would that be?

2. Take parachuting lessons. Get good enough to where they let you do it by yourself. Then jump out of the plane and play chicken with the Earth. See how long you can go with out pulling the rip cord. Maybe you'll win.

3. Steal a Classic Car. Something sweet like a GTO. Then load the trunk with containers of extra fuel and ride that puppy right into the grand canyon. Die like a bad ass.

4. Call 911 and say someone fitting your description has a gun. Then when the police arrive act crazy and keep your hand under your shirt. At some point run at the cops screaming and pretend to pull a gun out. That should do it.

5. Travel to the Sudan and name a teddy bear Mohammed.

6. Go to Zoo and jump over fence. Sucker punch nearest polar bear.

7. Go out and watch a movie staring some actor you can't stand. Then slit your wrists casually during the film. This makes a statement. Also, get the big popcorn with extra butter.

8. Get a lot of weed and try to smoke yourself to death. It won't work and you won't get famous but, man, you will probably have the best time of your life.

9. Write, direct, and produce an independent film where your character dies at the end. But really kill yourself.

10. Go over the Niagara Falls on a surf board.

You get the point. You can easily kill yourself AND make the news with out actually injuring any one else. Then at least you don't die an asshole on top of already living life as a loser.

C'mon people, let's make this happen! And please youtube as much of it as possible...

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By Anonymous ceelos, at 8:41 AM  

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